How does this paragraph sound for a persuasive research paper supporting human cloning?

Twelve million Americans are infertile and will pursue years of painful and expensive treatments to have the chance to pass their genes to their own offspring. Human cloning can offer infertile couples a chance at reproduction. Cloning technology may even prevent clinical depression, divorce, and suicide among infertile people. An example of a use for cloning, is if one partner suffered from a disease that was passed on to children by reproduction, an alternative could be to clone the other partner and have the child be a replica of one of his parents. This will allow the parents to have a child that is genetically identical to at least one of them. Cloning technology would not require a viable sperm or egg cell, but any body cell would do. This technology would be able to bypass defective gametes and possibly allow infertile couples to have their own biological children. Cloning technology may be able cure Tay-Sachs disease, cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy, and Huntingtons disease.

How does this paragraph sound for a persuasive research paper supporting human cloning?
The first sentence is a bit lengthy and awkwardly worded.


The fourth sentence does not need the first comma.


Just two hints.
Reply:not bad at all!
Reply:SHIVA A' s ALL PARAGRAPHS ARE ALWAYS SOUND PERSUASIVE !!!!
Reply:You have some continuity issues. In a formal paper you should never use "an example," it sounds tacky. A good alternative might me "One way that fertility cloning could be used to help couples involves..." Also, the claim you make that cloning could prevent depression, marital strife and suicide isn't viable. You have no scientific evidence to back this up, so you can't put it in a research paper, even if it is true. I mean, it sounds pretty miraculous given that most infertile couples just adopt. Are 12 million American couples undergoing fertility treatment, or are they just infertile? That is an iffy stat as well. Also, are you focusing on cloning for fertility purposes, or cloning for disease cures? These two subjects are huge in and of themselves, and most scientific papers would only focus on one or the other. My guess is that most of your paper is about curing disease, where there is much more scientific evidence and debatable arguments for and against it. Why would you open with fertility then? Personally, I think curing diseases is much more powerful than preventing divorce.


Finally, read your paper out loud. I think if you did, you would catch a lot of your awkward wording moments yourself.
Reply:i like it